The Pondering Absurdist

I was thinking about relationships (of the romantic type) the other day. You know that there is an old adage that says “opposites attract?” Well, my train of thought started going in the opposite direction. I started pondering “could I date someone, or be in a relationship with someone who was exactly like me?” There are many different aspects of relationships that need to come together in just the right order to have a successful one. After many years of being in different relationships, one learns what they can and cannot tolerate in a partner. Some of these are personality traits, some are habits, some are ideologies. Some are physical, some are emotional, some are whimsical. Some might say that they are astrological (like in the 1970s, “hey baby, what’s your sign?). The other adage “love at first sight” is rarely the case, at least for lasting love.

So could you “date yourself?” (comments welcome below). I know most of my own quirks, and some of them I don’t know if I could handle in a partner. For example, I tend to be a perfectionist about some things (supposedly a typically Virgo trait). If I were with someone who was also a perfectionist, one of us might think the other wasn’t quite as good at certain tasks. This might lead to bickering or fighting. However, if I was in a relationship with someone I knew was not a perfectionist and they were okay with my pickiness about certain things, we would probably get along fine, at least most of the time. If my partner were a neat freak and didn’t mind picking up after me occasionally if I left things lying around, things might be fine. Just exactly what about yourself could you not tolerate in a partner?

Since I came from a fairly strait-laced background, there are a lot of things ingrained in me that still hold a certain amount of sway in my opinions. Don’t get me wrong, my rebellious part after leaving religion behind has more than made up for it in other aspects. I come from a background where women did not wear a lot of jewelry or makeup. I still prefer women who wear little to no makeup, but some makeup is not a deal-breaker. I don’t see the logic behind jewelry, maybe with the exception of a ring to signify attachment to one another. Otherwise, spending money on jewelry just seems like a waste of good resources that could be used to take a nice vacation together somewhere. But again, a small amount of jewelry is generally not a deal-breaker. One of those things that is a definite deal-breaker for me is smoking. I don’t understand how people can be in a relationship with another person when one smokes and the other doesn’t. It’s a habit that’s not only harmful to the “user,” but also the people spending time near them when they smoke. Personally, I never saw the appeal of tattoos, but for some reason it seems to be all the rage these days. I remember when I was a child, looking at the blue mess of skin on my grandfather’s arm where he had gotten a tattoo early in his life. I know that the technology has probably changed (improved?) a bit, but if they’re not taken care of, tattoos will still be an ugly mess on someone’s body in old age. I used to say that I couldn’t be with someone who had tattoos, but I think I’ve mellowed a bit over the years. In fact, I have an ex-wife who had a few small (small being the operative word) tattoos that meant something to her. A few small tattoos isn’t a deal-breaker to me any more. That said, if someone had most of their body covered with them, especially with hideous, nightmarish things like black widow spiders on their webs, or other gory or morbid subject matter… it would definitely be a deal-breaker. For me the human body is already a work of art. My opinion is “why ruin a perfectly good work of art by covering it in graffiti?”

With the exception of smoking, what I mentioned previously are mostly surficial, physical things. Another aspect to consider is a person’s emotional makeup, or mental well-being. I once dated someone who held grudges. They would frequently bring up bad juju by mentioning (my, of course) past mistakes while in the heat of an argument about something entirely different. I found, from that experience, that having a partner who holds grudges is a deal-breaker for me. Life is too short to focus on bad shit and keep bringing it up over and over again. I very rarely get upset (and if I do it’s never physically, only verbally) with my partner in a relationship, but if I do, we may talk about it for a few minutes… then five minutes later I’ve moved past it. I don’t bring it up again. Again, life is too short to not focus on the good and try to maintain happiness in a relationship. The same goes for any “misunderstandings” we might have. Why sit there in a conversation dwelling on the hurtful topic for an hour, when within five minutes one person can just acknowledge that a grievance was made, then the couple can “kiss and make up” and move along with life? I know, men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

Of course there are other things that make couples more or less compatible. Thoughts about money/spending habits, how to raise children (should there be any in the relationship), even thoughts about politics sometimes. I have a coworker who is a die-hard, NRA card carrying Republican… and he’s married to a liberal Democrat. I don’t know how they do it. l don’t know if I could be in that situation personally. Similarly, some people feel a religious “calling” while being in a relationship with a non-believer. Some people are huge spectator sports fans, and seem to spend more time with the TV than they do with their partners. I suppose it wouldn’t be a complete deal-breaker, but I would hope that my partner cared enough about me to skip watching a game if doing something more important (like spending time with me) came up now and then.

Last (at least for this post), but certainly not least, is that topic that everyone avoids talking about like the plague. Sexuality, nudity, and other related subject matter. The stranglehold that various religions have held over mankind for centuries has defined the very way we are “supposed to” think about sex. If the church had its way, every couple would abstain from pre-marital sex, and virgin brides would be the norm again. The problem with this is that one person in the relationship could have a fair to high libido while the other person has zero libido. How is one supposed to find that out BEFORE entering into a lifelong (remember, divorce is a no-no as well) bond with another individual if the topic isn’t at least discussed, if not practiced before entering into that bond? In “the olden days” being dedicated to having a “godly home” was the primary focus of a relationship and sex was only for procreation, so it didn’t really matter (or did it?). Nowadays, (at least some) people are more open-minded, self-realizing, and generally less focused on making the big man in the sky as happy as themselves (and that’s a GOOD thing!). Sex has become an important aspect of most relationships, so sexual compatibility is a must anymore. I might as well add another adage here, “you don’t buy shoes until you try them on.” I’m not saying that people should be walked on, of course, rather that physically testing sexual compatibility is a good thing. One of the several reasons I divorced (a different) ex-wife was because I had a libido and she didn’t. Sure, before we were married she played the game. We were physical and things seemed to be going okay. Then after marriage things started to decline in the “bedroom department.” Soon days between became weeks, then weeks became months, then months became… I’m sure you can get the picture. It reminds me of a bad joke… “why is the bride smiling so much on her wedding day?… because she knows that she’s given her last BJ.” It’s not really a joke; it’s not a fun thing to be in a legal relationship with someone who isn’t compatible with you in all (or at least most) aspects.

As one who advocates equality and fairness, I’m not just talking about hetero relationships here. In any situation where one individual wishes to bind themselves to another individual (legally or otherwise), both should consider all aspects of what will or won’t make you happy in a partner. What traits or habits can you accept, and what is a deal-breaker to your own happiness? Ponder it.

PA